Deadline Thread: For the late risers on the west coast

We'll all have fun today, but this lack of productivity is exactly the type of thing that could turn a severe recession into a full blown depression. Thanks for nothing, TSN. It's 7:05 AM and I haven't glimpsed at the trade tracker yet, so here is my deadline day synopsis, originally drafted around midnight last night and not to be taken too literally by anyone of influence who reads this blog.

Previous installments are instructive as to the mood that grips us on these special days. I'm in a bitter / fatigued one this year. It has not been enjoyable to watch the team, and while I've been a fan through darker seasons, those mid to late nineties had a sense of hope and ultimate fulfillment to them, whereas now we are struggling through the hangover of a failed cup run and seem to be stuck in the tracks of our top-heavy expansion cousins. I'm tired of Spezza's drop passes, tired of Heatley's premature goal celebrations, tired of Chris Kelly's failed breakaways and tired of Chris Neil's Dumb Penalty Face.

As such, here's the current roster, color coded according to my highly subjective deadline preferences.

Left Wing / Centre / Right Wing
Dany Heatley / Jason Spezza / Daniel Alfredsson
Ryan Shannon / Mike Fisher / Nick Foligno
Antoine Vermette / Mike Comrie / Chris Kelly
Jarkko Ruutu / Jesse Winchester / Sean Donovan
Christoph Schubert / Cody Bass / Chris Neil

Defence / Defence
Chris Phillips / Anton Volchenkov
Filip Kuba / Brian Lee
Jason Smith / Chris Campoli
Alex Picard / Brendan Bell

Goaltenders
Brian Elliot
Alex Auld
Martin Gerber

Colour Code:
Red: Hands Off, For Now
Yellow: I Would Hold Back Tears If The Return Was Decent
Green: Lost Souls / Solid Gold Toilets / Old Couches In Need Of A Loving Home

My classifications are more than open to discussion, and I've changed colors multiple times in the past several drafts of this post. It would be an easy task to try and talk me out of my choices in the comment section. That's just how ambivalent I am about the season. Ah well, best wishes for a happy, healthy deadline day - maybe this is the year we land Gary Roberts!